Lost in Loss

I'm a superstitious person. I always have been, but I've always been intuitive and a bit of an empath as well. My mom and grandmother are the same way and my mom has had many encounters with energy in a way that I envy and am a little afraid of too.

 that being said- 

A bird flew into my house 2 week-ish ago. As soon as it did, I told my husband- three deaths to come. He of course laughed it off, he always does. That evening, I found out a young friend of mine had passed in his sleep. In his thirties, healthy and strong-dead. This past Tuesday, the same dang thing...My friend and boss was found in his sleep- passed at 42. I know negativity breeds negativity- but facts are facts. Every time a bird comes into my home, 3 people I know pass.And the scariest part of this is the final waiting period- the last shoe to drop. 

I don't grieve in a 'normal' way.  Every since my best friend and first husband passed suddenly in 2001 I've kinda put up an emotional wall to the passing of a soul. I don't feel as if i'm hardened, but i do feel as if I'm not as touched by sadness.  I feel as if spirit is formed into a new being and given a second chance- maybe that's why i'm not so saddened...but I don't like to be around the sadness of the living- the grieving. That much emotion in one place really affects me in a negative way- and I try to avoid it at all costs. So I generally bow out of funerals  Does that make me weak? no one likes funerals  I realize that, but I honestly get physically and mentally ill at death gatherings. I don't know that I can participate in another procession. 

And now the looming fear of Whats next-who's next is over my head and heavy in my heart.

I'm lost.

I'm lost in loss.

I'll find myself, soon, I know this- but this is a journey I never like to take.

Goo Goo Ga Joob

Lyrics by The Beatles

I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together. 
See how they run like pigs from a gun, see how they fly. 
I'm crying. 

Sitting on a cornflake, waiting for the van to come. 
Corporation tee-shirt, stupid bloody tuesday. 
Man, you been a naughty boy, you let your face grow long. 
I am the eggman, they are the eggmen. 
I am the walrus, goo goo g'joob. 

Mister city policeman sitting 
Pretty little policemen in a row. 
See how they fly like Lucy in the Sky, see how they run. 
I'm crying, I'm crying. 
I'm crying, I'm crying. 
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/b/beatles/i+am+the+walrus_10026521.html ] 
Yellow mother custard, dripping from a dead dog's eye. 
Crabalocker fishwife, pornographic priestess, 
Boy, you been a naughty girl you let your knickers down. 
I am the eggman, they are the eggmen. 
I am the walrus, goo goo g'joob. 

Sitting in an english garden waiting for the sun. 
If the sun don't come, you get a tan 
From standing in the english rain. 
I am the eggman, they are the eggmen. 
I am the walrus, goo goo g'joob goo goo g'joob. 

Expert textpert choking smokers, 
Don't you think the joker laughs at you? 
See how they smile like pigs in a sty, 
See how they snied. 
I'm crying. 

Semolina pilchard, climbing up the eiffel tower. 
Elementary penguin singing Hari Krishna. 
Man, you should have seen them kicking edgar allan poe. 
I am the eggman, They are the eggmen. 
I am the walrus, goo goo g'joob goo goo g'joob goo goo g'joob. 
Goo goo g'joob goo

In my studio

She Runs Too-(WIP)

Intuitive Painting using Acrylic and ink- Still not finished!!

Protection in the West

WIP Pitt Pin on Mixed Media Paper

My journey to the West held this magnificent beast in a cave at the bottom of the ocean, holding all of my fear beneath her like an egg. She protects me from the full brunt of my fear, only allowing a little to escape at a time for me to experience...but i'm learning to teach my protector to release that fear into the ocean to be consumed by the elements.