Lost in Loss

I'm a superstitious person. I always have been, but I've always been intuitive and a bit of an empath as well. My mom and grandmother are the same way and my mom has had many encounters with energy in a way that I envy and am a little afraid of too.

 that being said- 

A bird flew into my house 2 week-ish ago. As soon as it did, I told my husband- three deaths to come. He of course laughed it off, he always does. That evening, I found out a young friend of mine had passed in his sleep. In his thirties, healthy and strong-dead. This past Tuesday, the same dang thing...My friend and boss was found in his sleep- passed at 42. I know negativity breeds negativity- but facts are facts. Every time a bird comes into my home, 3 people I know pass.And the scariest part of this is the final waiting period- the last shoe to drop. 

I don't grieve in a 'normal' way.  Every since my best friend and first husband passed suddenly in 2001 I've kinda put up an emotional wall to the passing of a soul. I don't feel as if i'm hardened, but i do feel as if I'm not as touched by sadness.  I feel as if spirit is formed into a new being and given a second chance- maybe that's why i'm not so saddened...but I don't like to be around the sadness of the living- the grieving. That much emotion in one place really affects me in a negative way- and I try to avoid it at all costs. So I generally bow out of funerals  Does that make me weak? no one likes funerals  I realize that, but I honestly get physically and mentally ill at death gatherings. I don't know that I can participate in another procession. 

And now the looming fear of Whats next-who's next is over my head and heavy in my heart.

I'm lost.

I'm lost in loss.

I'll find myself, soon, I know this- but this is a journey I never like to take.

Enissophobia

Ahhhh- what could it be? Sounds terrifying...and to me and I'm sure others like me, it is.

Enissophobia-The fear of being Criticized.

Sometimes, for me this is my inner critic, debilitating fear- it keeps me from even approaching a new adventure. My inner asshole- always telling me how I'm not good enough, creative enough,  smart enough, brave enough.

Sometimes, it's other people, spouses, artists, family, friends. You want them to appreciate what you've put your heart and soul into.

Here's a few tips I've learned recently...

As much as you may love others in your life- they don't think the way you do. They will never appreciate or sometimes even understand, the same things as you. When you're so happy about a new painting, and someone has no idea about art- or thinks they know everything about art- of course their going to judge it! And usually, thinking their being helpful, they try to tell you how to change it, improve it, lessen the YOU-NESS of it.
They are not judging YOU. They are judging or criticizing an object. To them- it's just a material object that you are showing them, not a piece of your soul. And it should just be an object. This may be hard to hear. But you should really make unattachment a part of your art.
ART IS THE PROCESS- MAKING IS ART- THE RESULT IS JUST A THING...
Once you realize that, art will be much more enjoyable!

You should never ever show your work to anyone else unless you are prepared to here an opinion. And it's just that, an opinion. It's not your truth, so it shouldn't affect your idea of yourself.

As far as that inner critic goes...fear is a hateful beast that rears it's head when you want to better yourself or grow, guess what? Fear is not real- it's just a cloud of second guessing. You had the thought to try, that's half of it. The big half! All you have to do is PROCEED. You're great! And you can do it! And so what, if it doesn't work out, try again, just try differently  But never psych yourself out. That would be failure. And YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT!

Criticism even constructive, is just anothers opinion. Sometimes helpful, it SHOULD NEVER be scary. And you don't have to accept it as truth. You know your truth, just follow that!