How I Settled Into My Skin

I'll be 37 this month and I'm really just settling into me.

I just wish that I worried more about who I was than what I was or what I could do to make others know me in my twenties and teens.

I was sexually abused from a young age, and then I allowed abuse through my teen years- giving of myself and being used up and tossed to the side for attention. Once I got to my twenties I was hard and cold...even after I had my son at 20~ I was un-affectionate and hard to read. My first husband and I split up at the age of 21, and I dated unsuccessfully for three years...cheating or being cheated on, falling for people who I knew were not for me, just because of the crowd I'd keep. During all of this time- I never accepted how unhappy I was, never was willing to accept the fact that I was being untrue, and down right mean to myself. My husband and I got back together when i was 24 and I was happy...in love...ME! For a bit...we got pregnant with our daughter and she was born in '01- I had someone who loved me truly, I loved them truly and we were honestly happy. Then he died. Two months after my baby was born, he had a work accident and died suddenly, during the day. I was devastated. Ruined. LOST.

FF through the doom and gloom to my husband of 8 years. Honest, soulful, beautiful. He was younger than me and accepting of a widow with two young children. Now~ I'm not painting this into a floral and rosy picture of joy...we've had our ups and downs...and for the most part the downs have been something I brought on...I never allowed my self to grieve- Grieve my childhood, my teen years, my first Husband...my innocence.

2005- I began to create...art, yarn, food, clothing.

 I had forgotten how much I loved to make things with my hands. I never took art, well not since the 7th grade. When I was little I would cut up paper and create elaborate structures, sometimes taller than me...I would get lost in a book and then spend the rest of the day recreating the story through my drawings. As a teen, I would cut out pictures of others and glue them in a sketchbook, writing through my anger and changing the images to suit my mood...never quite breaking through but always feeling a bit better afterwards.

So when I remembered my hands could be used to create joy, not just shield pain...I used them constantly. I painted, cooked, spun yarn, sewed. CREATED! Every new thing or task that I accomplished gave me a little bit more of my soul back. I became whole! A solid girl who was not afraid to be real, blunt and honest.

TRUE.

My family has always supported me, even when they didn't know what was wrong with me other than I was cold and angry and bitter. And my wonderful husband had my back and helped me in every way he could, as well as giving me TWO MORE (!) beautiful children.

Now- I'm happy, mostly, and when things set me back I get over them, knowing that everything will be better. I now have faith...in me and the world, in man-kind.

Now I create daily

I journal- writing and doodling my emotions all over pages in my books, working through my emotions without wearing them on my sleeve before they've been examined.

I meditate- Listening to me, getting deeper and deeper into my soul, sometimes I'm so deep I'm not in my body, just fully encased in my soul- able to understand what is before me.

I paint-Creating colorful shapes that may make no sense to others but to me they tell an intimate story of my past present and future...creation has become my art. Not the finished product.

I move- Everyday...Yoga has tethered me more solidly into my physical body and allowed me to feel at home in it. I no longer feel trapped in a place that I'm uncomfortable, don't like and am scared of.

I love- I allow myself to feel without the fear of being betrayed, hurt. I can control what affects me. Without feeling separated from myself, I feel whole. My family, children, husband, friends encase me in love and warmth and safety, and I am not afraid to return that love...I give freely of my emotions and except the world around me.

This is what I do and did to become me...I didn't start this page this way, trying to give my story, but I felt moved to be real and true. I have learned a lot in 36 years and I would not change a thing...I get to be me fully and make no excuses for it. I own my soul -LOVE,  ART and CREATIVITY have helped me see that. And now I know that my reason for being here is to help others who are hurting, or don't understand themselves fully, or are just stuck a bit- how to be TRUE. I teach truth and love through creativity and meditation and journaling. And I want to help everyone I can.

I hope that my story opened me up a bit for you...I honestly believe creativity can help you transform your life mentally and physically. And I want to help you...please email me at happysappytrees@gmail.com and I promise to try and help you with prompts and love. The classes I am creating will help us dig deeper into our souls and teach us that TRUTH is the way.

thank you for giving me a little of your time today...

Love,

Anastasia