HappyTrees Studio

Nov 30, 2012

Lost in Loss

I'm a superstitious person. I always have been, but I've always been intuitive and a bit of an empath as well. My mom and grandmother are the same way and my mom has had many encounters with energy in a way that I envy and am a little afraid of too.
 that being said- 
A bird flew into my house 2 week-ish ago. As soon as it did, I told my husband- three deaths to come. He of course laughed it off, he always does. That evening, I found out a young friend of mine had passed in his sleep. In his thirties, healthy and strong-dead. This past Tuesday, the same dang thing...My friend and boss was found in his sleep- passed at 42. I know negativity breeds negativity- but facts are facts. Every time a bird comes into my home, 3 people I know pass.And the scariest part of this is the final waiting period- the last shoe to drop. 
I don't grieve in a 'normal' way.  Every since my best friend and first husband passed suddenly in 2001 I've kinda put up an emotional wall to the passing of a soul. I don't feel as if i'm hardened, but i do feel as if I'm not as touched by sadness.  I feel as if spirit is formed into a new being and given a second chance- maybe that's why i'm not so saddened...but I don't like to be around the sadness of the living- the grieving. That much emotion in one place really affects me in a negative way- and I try to avoid it at all costs. So I generally bow out of funerals  Does that make me weak? no one likes funerals  I realize that, but I honestly get physically and mentally ill at death gatherings. I don't know that I can participate in another procession. 
And now the looming fear of Whats next-who's next is over my head and heavy in my heart.
I'm lost.
I'm lost in loss.
I'll find myself, soon, I know this- but this is a journey I never like to take.

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